I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
