I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
