those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
