i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
