Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
