It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
