i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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