Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
