i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
