My underwear smells like fireworks.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
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