remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
