Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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