i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
