and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
