i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
