Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
