chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
