I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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