I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
