i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
i don't wanna talk about it
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
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My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
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I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.