if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
are you so shy because you have an std?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
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I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
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Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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