hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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