your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
