im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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