he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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