Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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