My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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