Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
