I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
