i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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