Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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