i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
