I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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