Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
zippers are such a cool invention
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
