The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
