my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
