Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
That accounts for only three of the penises
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Randomize
