we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
And my parents said I crawled through the house
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
