And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
