i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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