I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
