I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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