I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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