fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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