can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
