I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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