Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
