i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
