I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I forget how to act sober
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
