have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
