I think I just saw someone hide a body.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
