3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Randomize
