seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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