Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
its not stalking. its research.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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