You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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