your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
