The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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