Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
