I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
i think im in europe. pls send help
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
