We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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